i don't even know if you know that because you're so fucking uptight and i can't even look at you without wanting to scream so how am I supposed to know what you know
you probably should have just kept squeezing. it would have been better than waking up and realizing what you did to me.
you knew nothing could touch you and you were on all the covers, smiling like nothing ever could
klaus was bad, with the meds, and diego was always so mean and even when they were there five and ben would ignore me if there was anything better to do
[ When Luther and all the others return from their stint in the City, it's... a lot to wrestle with. It's an extra decade of muddled memories to sift through, of the ones that did make it through (not all of the memories did, or at least not all of them with such clarity). He's reeling from memories of how much worse he could have been. Was. Had been. Cocky and smiling on all the magazine covers, in the City, like nothing could ever touch him.
And then his communicator lights up. Mostly messages from Diego and Ben, and his employer at Joe's Movers — goddamnit, he'll have to go talk to them, explain the usual imPort conundrum — but then an unexpected name appears. 'VANYA' pops up on his communicator, and Luther can't help but wonder: why is Vanya texting him? She never texts him.
Luther starts reading.
And he reads.
And feels it like a deep gut punch, a knife under his ribs. Like a well-aimed missile, squarely hitting its mark, the bomb blast going off. Not even Diego gets such good digs in, because Luther expects knives out from Diego. He doesn't expect such teeth from Vanya. Has never built up a thick skin in preparation for what she, the smallest and most inconsequential and the most dangerous and most frightening, Number Seven, might have to say. It catches him wrong-footed, off-guard, his vulnerable side exposed, and as a result he's been ripped open.
The fury rises up a second later. ]
I didn't want t
I was trying to protect you
I don't know what you think it was like, but the moon was absolutely fucking nothing to be jealous of. It almost drove me insane
Being alone isn't all it
Did you know, when you've been alone long enough, you start hallucinating? People. Voices. Or just visuals. I researched it, afterwards. It's the mind going fucking loony from all the monotony, the lack of interaction. It starts making things up to fill the gaps. Just to try to think and see and hear something new for once. I put you in that tank for one night but try four years
I haven't told anyone. Guess I still haven't.
I am never telling you.
[ A furious litany of texts, Luther exorcising all his kneejerk reactions, then mass-deleting them a second later. One and Seven are so strangely alike in this: they won't send it if they think there's a chance the other person might ever actually see it. So, in the end, it's just: ]
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obediences) wrote2019-03-28 10:51 am
no subject
i don't even know if you know that because you're so fucking uptight and i can't even look at you without wanting to scream so how am I supposed to know what you know
you probably should have just kept squeezing. it would have been better than waking up and realizing what you did to me.
no subject
no subject
I hate that Allison loves you
I hate sharing my sister with you
it's not fair how GUILTY that makes me feel every time we talk and spend time together
like she'd be with you if it wasn't for me
no subject
actually you probably don't, you're such a fucking idiot about everything that isn't tactics and being in the spotlight
idk maybe not anymore
maybe now you have an idea about what it felt like all those years, wanting to be seen and being terrified of it at the same time
no subject
out of everyone. when we were kids.
i gave my therapist an earful about you, when she got me to finally talk about stuff. i didn't say nearly as much as i could have
no subject
you knew nothing could touch you and you were on all the covers, smiling like nothing ever could
klaus was bad, with the meds, and diego was always so mean and even when they were there five and ben would ignore me if there was anything better to do
but you just never saw me did you
i might as well have been one of klaus' ghosts.
no subject
all alone, no one to judge you, no one to make you wonder if you were enough
even with the meds i wondered that every day
wondered why i bothered
the kicker is i still wonder that without the meds, but now i fucking feel it all the time instead of burying it under whatever was in those pills
no subject
you're the second one. in case this wasn't clear. i don't miss you.
AND SCENE
february 1st, 1/2
And then his communicator lights up. Mostly messages from Diego and Ben, and his employer at Joe's Movers — goddamnit, he'll have to go talk to them, explain the usual imPort conundrum — but then an unexpected name appears. 'VANYA' pops up on his communicator, and Luther can't help but wonder: why is Vanya texting him? She never texts him.
Luther starts reading.
And he reads.
And feels it like a deep gut punch, a knife under his ribs. Like a well-aimed missile, squarely hitting its mark, the bomb blast going off. Not even Diego gets such good digs in, because Luther expects knives out from Diego. He doesn't expect such teeth from Vanya. Has never built up a thick skin in preparation for what she, the smallest and most inconsequential and the most dangerous and most frightening, Number Seven, might have to say. It catches him wrong-footed, off-guard, his vulnerable side exposed, and as a result he's been ripped open.
The fury rises up a second later. ]
I didn't want t
I was trying to protect you
I don't know what you think it was like, but the moon was absolutely fucking nothing to be jealous of. It almost drove me insane
Being alone isn't all it
Did you know, when you've been alone long enough, you start hallucinating? People. Voices. Or just visuals. I researched it, afterwards. It's the mind going fucking loony from all the monotony, the lack of interaction. It starts making things up to fill the gaps. Just to try to think and see and hear something new for once. I put you in that tank for one night but try four years
I haven't told anyone. Guess I still haven't.
I am never telling you.
[ A furious litany of texts, Luther exorcising all his kneejerk reactions, then mass-deleting them a second later. One and Seven are so strangely alike in this: they won't send it if they think there's a chance the other person might ever actually see it. So, in the end, it's just: ]
Uh. Vanya?
2/2
It's the only thing Luther ever gets back.
MESSAGE UNDELIVERABLE: MAILBOX DEACTIVATED
He throws his communicator across the room; it dents the wall, shatters. ]