She watches it as it dominoes across his face. There's a burning feeling that's taking up the whole top of her chest. That whole space where breathing and heart beating is supposed to be taking place. It just feels like she's set fire to the inside of herself, and she's watching that burn reflected in Luther's eyes. In the sheer inability for him to keep anything from his face at all.
He doesn't even believe his own first words, and she's already tired of all of this. None of this was supposed to go like this. She was supposed to come home. To get to talk about her day. His. Maybe joke about how people would look at her less if she just switched with him and moved boxes. There could have been wine, maybe more of the leftover Asian food since populating boxes in the fridge.
It wasn't supposed to be the ground opening up like a swallowing maw between them.
"Because it's your life? Because it matters?"
That they exist. That he doesn't understand in the slightest. That she has to stand here and defend, with anger and desperation, what she never thought she'd have to fight for. What she's always thought she'd lose one day anyway, didn't she? When Luther finally wised up. About her.
"Because it shouldn't be--" Her hands just gestured, annoyed like even her now ever-present words aren't enough. "--this. Especially if you don't think they do matter. Broken into boxes and two different worlds that aren't allowed to touch. Never even admitting to having friends. To trying to figure out this place. Even when I hated this place, I wouldn't have held that against you."
She had never managed it, had she? Luther's love of the moon base. Of Aegis. Luther's easier acceptance of just being here.
"You're the one who--" Oh, no. She feels this one pushing up, and she wants to stop it, to pull back, to unshatter it when it's already breaking on her lips. "--said I was your best friend. The person you talked to. Except you didn't. You didn't even try. And instead, you made me look like an inconsequential idiot for it in front of someone who's, apparently, been your friend for nearly as long as we've been here."
She got to stand there and not exist in so many ways.
"Not your best friend. Your family. Not even someone who existed in all that time. And I was. An idiot." Allison shakes her head. "I thought she was wrong—all the way from Heropa to here. I just dismissed it. Like there was no way that something could have been that big, that long, and you just never would have said anything to me. To me. Even in passing. Even just a detail of your day."
"You know." It's so stupid—all of this. How important it feels only as it's lost. "You've met basically everyone who even managed to matter, even when I hated this place, and I couldn't even talk to people. Even the handlers and makeup artists at my job that I don't know that names of know who you are because you're always there at any of the satellite appearances."
"And, apparently, I know nothing about your life outside this room, and I don't exist outside of it. Because, you wanted it that way." She just can't stop her mouth now. Can't stop the hurt. Or want to hurt. "Great job. You succeeded entirely. Rainbow colors. High marks."
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He doesn't even believe his own first words, and she's already tired of all of this. None of this was supposed to go like this. She was supposed to come home. To get to talk about her day. His. Maybe joke about how people would look at her less if she just switched with him and moved boxes. There could have been wine, maybe more of the leftover Asian food since populating boxes in the fridge.
It wasn't supposed to be the ground opening up like a swallowing maw between them.
"Because it's your life? Because it matters?"
That they exist. That he doesn't understand in the slightest. That she has to stand here and defend, with anger and desperation, what she never thought she'd have to fight for. What she's always thought she'd lose one day anyway, didn't she? When Luther finally wised up. About her.
"Because it shouldn't be--" Her hands just gestured, annoyed like even her now ever-present words aren't enough. "--this. Especially if you don't think they do matter. Broken into boxes and two different worlds that aren't allowed to touch. Never even admitting to having friends. To trying to figure out this place. Even when I hated this place, I wouldn't have held that against you."
She had never managed it, had she?
Luther's love of the moon base. Of Aegis.
Luther's easier acceptance of just being here.
"You're the one who--" Oh, no. She feels this one pushing up, and she wants to stop it, to pull back, to unshatter it when it's already breaking on her lips. "--said I was your best friend. The person you talked to. Except you didn't. You didn't even try. And instead, you made me look like an inconsequential idiot for it in front of someone who's, apparently, been your friend for nearly as long as we've been here."
She got to stand there and not exist in so many ways.
"Not your best friend. Your family. Not even someone who existed in all that time. And I was. An idiot." Allison shakes her head. "I thought she was wrong—all the way from Heropa to here. I just dismissed it. Like there was no way that something could have been that big, that long, and you just never would have said anything to me. To me. Even in passing. Even just a detail of your day."
"You know." It's so stupid—all of this. How important it feels only as it's lost. "You've met basically everyone who even managed to matter, even when I hated this place, and I couldn't even talk to people. Even the handlers and makeup artists at my job that I don't know that names of know who you are because you're always there at any of the satellite appearances."
"And, apparently, I know nothing about your life outside this room, and I don't exist outside of it. Because, you wanted it that way." She just can't stop her mouth now. Can't stop the hurt. Or want to hurt. "Great job. You succeeded entirely. Rainbow colors. High marks."